


Just a click away

by Harry1981



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awesome Frerin, Awkwardness, Bilbo Baggins & Bofur Friendship, Bilbo Baggins and Fili Friendship, Bilbo Baggins and Ori Friendship, Bilbo Baggins is an idiot, Bookshop, Crushes, Established Friendship, F/M, First Meetings, Fluff, M/M, Or texting AU's, Ori Is A Sweetheart, Ori Is a Little Shit, Randomness, Texting, There are not enough modern AU's, Thorin Is Not Amused, Thorin Is an Idiot, meet weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27300073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harry1981/pseuds/Harry1981
Summary: Bilbo is a Teaching Assistant and a bookshop owner. Ori, Fili and Bofur are sad college students who are going through life. Thorin is the CEO of Erebor Industries, with his family in different positions. Frerin is the prodigal son.In this modern world, their meetings and conversations, as captured by their mobile phones, tablets and laptops.Modern AU, Texting AU
Relationships: Balin/Dori (Tolkien), Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Nori (Tolkien), Dís/Dís's Husband, Fíli/Ori (Tolkien)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is me procrastinating on my Literature paper and scrolling through Pinterest. hope you enjoy it!

_Wednesday_

_9:06 a.m._

_...._

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Bbgins: Ori

Bbgins: Ori

Bbgins: Ori

Bbgins: Ori

Orison: Billlbooo!

Orison: It’s bloody nine in teh morning!

Orison: Let me sleep.

Bbgins: There is a man in my bookshop what do i do?

Orison: let him browse? Help him select a book?

Orison: Have you never had men in your book shop befre?

Bbgins: Haha, very funny.

Orison: I like to think so.

Orison: But seriously, what’s teh issue?

Bbgins: He is hot

Orison: Oh my god.

Orison: Bilbo Baggins admitted someone is hot.

Orison: He just said it over text.

Orison: Oh MY GOD!

Bbgins: are you done?

Orison: No this date is going down in history

Orison: Bilbo Baggins likes someone!

Orison: What is wrong with him? IS he underage? Way over your fifty?

Orison: Does he look like a stalker?

Orison: Does he have blood stains on his jacket.

Bbgins: I hate you.

Orison: Nah you don’t. Come on Bilbo, you have cut me some slack. All your previous boyfriends have been weird.

Bbgins: No they havent.

Orison: Smaug was psychopath, Smeagol turned out to be a drug addict and Beorn, well, nothing wrong with him except he was scary.

Bbgins: ...

Orison: So yes i am worried

Bbgins: he is coming thsi way hdhkjh

Orison: What

* * *

_9:22 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Bbgins: kill me. Please.

Orison: oh np, what happened?

Bbgins: np?

Orison: i meant no. You know my autocorrent hates me.

Orison: What happened Bub?

Bbgins: He bought Pride and Prejudice.

Orison: Oooh Mama. How hard did you get?

Orison: Please tell me you were behind the counter at least.

Bbgins: It would have been better if I was swallowed by mother earth.

Orison: She loves you far too much to do that.

Bbgins: No she doesn’t.

Orison: You are teh champion of her children.

Orison: We are getting off topic here.

Orison: What. Happened.

Bbgins: I scanned the book. He said Thank you. I was going to say either you’re welcome or it’s a pleasure.

Orison: Oh no you didn’t.

Bbgins: Yes I did.

Orison: Shite Bilbo what did you say?

Bbgins: You know it

Orison: IDC TELL ME!

Bbgins: You’re a pleasure

Orison: LMAO BILBO WAT

Bbgins: I know

Orison: Holy shite I am wheezing.

Orison: What did he say?

Bbgins: he gave me an odd look and left.

Bbgins: He was judging me.

Orison: Tbh I would judge you too.

Bbgins: Thanks Ori.

Orison: You are welcome Bub.

Bbgins: You are a little devil, you know that right?

Orison: Just channelling my brothers from time to time.

Orison: I can still set you up with Nori.

Bbgins: No

Orison: Fiiiine.

Orison: I am coming over with donuts, sandwiches and coffee

Bbgins: You are an angel

Orison: Decide what I am bub!

* * *

_2:46 p.m._

_........_

_The Durin Family Board_

_........_

Dwalin: What has crawled up your arse today Thorin?

Thorin: Shut up

Dwalin: Bifur was on edge. Bifur is never on edge.

Balin: My brother is, unfortunately, right. What is wrong?

Thorin: I do not come down the street to have lunch so to still talk to you people.

Dis: oh i feel so loved.

Thorin: Fuck off.

Dis: Eat shit.

Balin: Kids.

Dwalin: What happened?

Thorin: Nothing worth noting.

Thorin: Leave me alone.

Dis: mute your notifications.

Dis: oh right you cant

Dis: heathen.

Thorin: I will rip off your hair Dis.

Dis: I would like to see your try you arse

Balin: All right, Dis I need you in my office now.

Dis: As if that’s going to stop me from insulting my brother.

* * *

_2:59 p.m._

_...._

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Dwalin: Seriously, Thorin. You could have blown the whole meeting with your temper. What’s going on?

Thorin: It’s nothing.

Dwalin: Bullshit

Thorin: Dwalin leave me alone.

Dwalin: Was it Frerin? Did he call you or say something again?

Thorin: No but thank you for reminding me of his existence.

Dwalin: Don’t be a jerk. You love him.

Thorin: He is the prodigal son of the family who has taken his nephew under his wing. It does not matter if I love him or not.

Dwalin: Yes it does. Now tell me.

Thorin: Not here.

Dwalin: I am crashing your dinner then.

* * *

_5:31 p.m._

_......._

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_......._

HatStall: which idiot convinced me that it was a good idea to enrol in college again?

GoldenPrince: tht wuld be Bombur

HatStall: the things i do fro my brother.

Bbgins: what happened?

HatStall: paper due

HatStall: this weekend

Bbgins: You have worked with less.

HatStall: thsi weekend Bilbo! We were supposed to go bar hopping!

GoldenPrince: about that...

Orison: Fili you better not be pulling out last minute

GoldenPrince: my uncle has summoned us all for family dinner. i cant say no

Bbgins: which uncle is this?

GoldenPrince: Frer wuld rathre sip martini on beach and take a trip to France than get together for a family dinner...

GoldenPrince: we had to seperate him and Thor last time. Mum was betting.

Bbgins: Your family is chaotic.

GoldenPrince: at least teh cousins werent there

GoldenPrince: its an extended fam dinner. i am gonna die.

HatStall: chicken out

GoldenPrince: you will find my dead body in teh Thames next day

HatStall: not if we run awya together.

GoldenPrince: where are we going?

HatStall: Everything’s open, babyboy.

Orison: ugh

Orison: do you two have to make every conversation we have so creepy?

GoldenPrince: we are literally just flirting Rison.

HatStall: Are you feeling left out? Want me to tae you fro a ride?

Bbgins: Bofur stop

Bbgins: you are literally my age.

HatStall: Doesnt mean i can’t be young in heart.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

HatStall: Ask Ori out already you chicken

GoldenPrince: wut if he says no?

HatStall: Fili, my boy, both of you are blind

GoldenPrince: shut up bofur

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_......._

Orison: You are making a fool of yourself, you know that right?

Orison: not bigger than Bilbo but still.

HatStall: What does that mean?

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Bbgins: Ori Rison I am going to kill you.

Orison: Get a number.

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_......._

GoldenPrince: Am i missing something here?”

Bbgins: Nope.

Orison: Our dear Teaching Assistant embraased himself in front of a customer today in his bookshop.

GoldenPrince: WHAT!!!!!!!

HatStall: ooooooooooooooo >:D

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Bbgins: I am going to tell Fili you have a crush on him.

Orison: you wouldn’t dare.

Bbgins: try me.

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_......._

GoldenPrince: Bilbo! Spill teh tea sis!

Bbgins: there is no tea to spill and why would you ever want to spill tea?

Orison: caveman.

Bbgins: you are on thin fucking ice mister.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

HatStall: you okay Bilbo?

Bbgins: yes but i am going to murder Ori very soon.

HatStall: I will help you hide teh body.

Bbgins: Thank you Bofur

HatStall: Then I want the details

Bbgins: Leave me alone!

* * *

_7:58 pm_

_......._

_The Durins_

_......._

KiliTheArcher: image0156.jpg

KiliTheArcher: :p

GoldenPrince: Kili delete that image or God help me no one will find your body!

GoldenKing: Is that....

KiliTheArcher: Yup

Dis: Kili!

KiliTheArcher: I regret nothing.

Thorin: Why do I have to see my sister and my sister-son in feather boa and biknis?

KiliTheArcher: No one asked you to open that image. So that’s on you.

Thorin: I can kill you with my bare hands.

KiliTheArcher: joke’s on you Im lready dead inside.

GoldenKing: I am concerned

KiliTheArcher: it’s teh curse of existence

GoldenPrince: shut up you brat.

Vili: I leave you all for one week...

GoldenKing: There’s my favorite brother-in-law!

Vili: I am your only brother-in-law

GoldenKing: That’s because Thorin is a pussy

Dis: Excuse me?

GoldenKing: I am not refrring to your genital organ, Dis.

KiliTheArcher: Ewwwwwwww

GoldenPrince: Frer, why?

Thorin: I am feeling sick.

Vili: There are children here Frerin.

GoldenKing: Listen. The word pussy is derived from an ancient word whose origins I cannot determine right now but it means weak.

Thorin: nobody gives a shit Frerin. Those words are banned from thsi group.

GoldenKing: I am not contesting that BUT

Vili: Frerin. No buts.

GoldenKing: You all suck.

GoldenPrince: even me?

GoldenKing: No maboy you are the only good thing in my life.

Thorin: If you are done being dramatic. Family dinner. This Saturday. EVERYBODY’S PRESENCE IS REQUIRED.

KiliTheArcher: Geez stop shouting will be there.

KiliTheArcher: can i bring tauriel?

Thorin: No.

KiliTheArcher: Legolas?

Thorin: Are you fucking kidding me Kili?

KiliTheArcher: They are practically family :(

Dis: yes they are your prejudiced arse can learn a bit of tolerance they aren’t inviting Thrandy!

Thorin: Will you stop calling him that?

GoldenKing: Wait....

Thorin: Frerin.

GoldenKing: Thrandy as in.....

Dis: Thranduil. Yes.

GoldenKing: OH MY GOD HOW DID I NEVER MAKE THIS CONNECTION????

KiliTheArcher: I am lost.

GoldenPrince: same.

Vili: On the same boat boys

GoldenKing: OMG OMG Legolas and Tauriel are Thranduil’s children??????

Thorin: yes.

GoldenKing: Kili you have to bring them over.

Thorin: No.

Dis: yes he does.

Dis: I cannot handle all that testosterone in one room without another female companion.

GoldenPrince: If Kili get sto bring guests can I bring my guests?

Thorin: Nobody is bringing guests.

KiliTheArcher: You have friends?

Dis: Fili! Of course! Anyone you like.

Thorin: No.

GoldenPrince: I had plans with them but I had to cancel...this is the last meeting we will have before mid sems.

GoldenPrince: thorin please.

Vili: It is anyways going to turn into a small party Thorin. Let teh kids bring their friends.

Thorin: if I allow them Dwalin will bring his boyfriend over who is, I am pretty sure, a thief.

Thorin: If Dwalin brings someone over it is only inevitable that Balin insists he bring his bed partner.

Dis: which a very weird thing to call your boyfriend.

GoldenKing: Balin’s aro. That’s literally his bed partner

Thorin: And if I am inviting them Bifur needs to be invited and he will bring his cousins.

Vili: So it’s a party,

Dis: Oh it has been a long time since i threw a party.

Thorin: No.

Dis: keep saying that. Everyone, bring over your friends. I will message Dwalin.

Vili: Unless there was a special reason for a family dinner?

Thorin: not particularly.

GoldenKing: Gandalf says he needs to have social interactions once a month and thsi is his solution.

Vili: I am sure he means Thorin needs to get out more.

Thorin: i am fine.

Dis: Sure you are. Fili, Kili, invite whoever you want.

GoldenPrince: Will there be alchohol?

Dis: What kind of a question is that? Of course, there will be alcohol!

Thorin: What

GoldenPrince: My friends like to get sloshed.

Thorin: I am concerned.

GoldenKing: you are the one to talk considering what you got up to Thor.

Thorin: Say one more thing Frerin and they will never find your body

GoldenKing: that insult got old when I was twelve. Find a new one.

Dis: Ooooooooooo

Thorin: I am out

* * *

_8:20 p.m._

_....._

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_....._

GoldenPrince: You are all cordially invited to Durin party this Saturday, at 7 pm.

Orison: You are writing properly. I am concerned.

GoldenPrince: :P

Bbgins: What is this about?

GoldenPrince: teh family dinner i talked about?

Orison: yes?

GoldenPrince: well my ynger brth is bringing hsi friends who my uncle hates so i asked to bring ovr my friends and mum said yes so yo are all invited.

HatStall: I ain’t coming to your mum’s place, kid.

GoldenPrince: There is free alcohol and an open bar.

HatStall: Count me in.

Bbgins: I don’t know.

GoldenPrince: Come on Bilbo!

Bbgins: Ori fits, but Bofur and I are old Fili.

HatStall: Talk about yourself sunshine.

GoldenPrince: It’s okay. I have always had older friends.

Goldenprince: mum wuld be more surprise dto see Ori.

Orison: what?

Goldenprince: i don’t make friends my age.

Orison: oh.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Orison: so I am like, the only friend you have our age?

GoldenPrince: yeah.

Orison: oh.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Orison: bilbo I can’t ask Fili out.

Bbgins: what?

Orison: i am teh only friend he has our age. He needs that stability,

Bbgins: i don’t think that’s how it works Ori.

Orison: no no i am sure.

Bbgins: how about we get back to this conversation later?

Orison: ok

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_....._

GoldenPrince: So you all are coming.

HatStall: is that an order your highness?

GoldenPrince: yes.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Orison: I really think Bofur and Fili like each other anyways.

Bbgins: they are just flirting.

Orison: still Bilbo. I can’t do it.

Bbgins: how about we go to this dinner and see how it goes?

Orison: you are willing to go to his house?

Bbgins: For your sake.

Orison: I am in your debt.

Bbgins: I know. I have an account.

Orison: you suck.

Bbgins: sure.

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_....._

Orison: will be there.

Bbgins: should i bring anything?

GoldenPrince: it’s a party bilbo. Though mum won’t say no to wine.

Bbgins: all right.

* * *

_Saturday_

_3:49 a.m._

_......_

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_....._

GoldenPrince: you are coming right?

Orison: Why ar eyou awake at three in teh morning?

GoldenPrince: it’s almost four.

Orison: Question still stands

GoldenPrince: y r you awke?

Orison: Paper due at seven.

GoldenPrince: jeez.

Orison: you?

GoldenPrince: was talking to my brother. He gets scared on journeys so i was up till he reaches teh station.

Orison: aww

GoldenPrince: So you coming?

Orison: yes.

......

_8:07 a.m._

HatStall: yes coming.

Bbgins: confirmed.

* * *

_1:22 p.m._

_...._

_The Durins_

_......._

Dis: Everyone’s ready for tonight?

KiliTheArcher: YES!

GoldenPrince: Yup.

GoldenKing: Oui.

Vili: Will be reaching home by five.

KiliTheArcher: YAAAAY!

Thorin: Unfortunately.

Dis: Shut up Thorin.

* * *

_7:39 p.m._

_......_

_Private Messaging_

_...._

Bbgins: Ori I am fucked.

Orison: What happened? Are you already at the party?

Bbgins: yes.

Orison: I am en route.

Orison: what happened bub?

Bbgins: Remember the guy from bookshop?

Orison: Whom you called a pleasure?

Bbgins: the very same.

Orison: Yes?

Bbgins: that’s Fili’s Uncle Thorin.

Orison: Oh fuck.

Bbgins: You can say that again.


	2. Party night

_Saturday_

_7:45 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: The bookstore manager is Fili’s friend.

Dwalin: You are fucked

Thorin: Nori’s brother is also Fili’s friend.

Dwalin: I am fucked.

Thorin: Apparently, Bifur’s cousin is also Fili’s friend.

Dwlain: Fili is fucked.

Thorin: Eloquent as ever.

* * *

_8:05 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: Are you sensing the tension in the air?

Balin: Yes.

Balin: Yes I am.

Dis: I am so loving this.

Balin: Be careful lassie

Balin: We don’t know all the sides.

Dis: Balin, Thorin’s eyes are right not literal definition of heart eyes.

Dis: and Fili’s friend Bilbo is clearly not a college student.

Dis: What’s the issue?

Balin: He might not like men.

Dis: He has put product in his hair.

Dis: I rest my case.

* * *

_8:36 p.m._

_........._

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: He is glaring at me.

Bbgins: Continously.

Orison: Yes I can see that.

Bbgins: Where are you anyways?

Orison: Nori and Dori are here.

Bbgins: Why?

Orison: Their partners work for Fili’s Uncle.

Bbgins: you are fucked.

Orison: yes, thank you.

Bbgins: I am fucked.

Bbgins: shit he is coming thsi way gtg

Orison: I am literally standing here.

Orison: Ykw? I am gonna keep texting just to see you squirm.

Orison: this is what you get for keeping jinglebells are your ringtone.

Orison: Why are you so red? Why is he so tall?

Orison: ngl if you hadn’t fucked this up you two would be cute.

Orison: What teh fuck.

Orison: Bilbo?

Orison: Where did he take you?

Orison: is he killing you in teh shed as i type?

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Orison: Fili your Uncle has kidnapped Bilbo.

GoldenPrince: Whaaaaaaaaat

Orison: he guided Bilbo outside.

GoldenPrince: m sure thy r just taking a wlk in the garden.

Orison: No you dont understand.

Orison: your Uncle is the guy Bilbo embarassed himself in front of

GoldenPrince: LMAO fucking WHAT!

GoldenPrince: HOLY SHITE!

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Did you know about this?

Dwalin: know about what?

GoldenPrince: Uncle’s encounter in the bookshop?

Dwalin: yes.

GoldenPrince: Where has he taken bilbo?

Dwalin: fuck if I know.

GoldenPrince: Bullshite

Dwalin: Kid, i am in teh middle fo something.

GoldenPrince: Whatever can be more important than Thorin?

Dwalin: sth.

GoldenPrince: why r u short txting?

Dwalin: hghjg

GoldenPrince: What.

* * *

_8:46 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Balin i wanna sue Dwalin.

Balin: What did my brother do now?

GoldenPrince: He had sex.

Balin: i think you will find that it is quite a natural thing to do Fili.

Balin: Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.

GoldenPrince: m out.

* * *

_The Durins (minus idiots)_

_........_

GoldenPrince: mum Dwalin is fucking Nori in Thorin’s room.

Dis: LMAO

KiliTheArcher: so that’s where he went.

GoldenPrince: Mum!

Dis: Fili everyone has needs.

GoldenPrince: On someone else’s bed.

Vili: You often peed on our bed.

KiliTheArcher: HA!

GoldenPrince: ....how is tht even relevant?

Vili: Just pointing out that you have used other’s bed to staisfy your needs too.

GoldenPrince: m out.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

KiliTheArcher: Tell me more.

GoldenPrince: they haven’t locked teh door. Go tke a peek.

KiliTheArcher: no not that.

KiliTheArcher: what mum and balin are plotting.

KilitheArcher: and where is Thorin?

GoldenPrince: Thorin has kidnapped my friend.

GoldenPrince: I dunno about mum and Balin.

KiliTheArcher: sed

KiliTheArcher: Which friend?

GoldenPrince: Bilbo.

KilitheArcher: Master Boggins?

GoldenPrince: huh?

KiliTheArcher: meet me ine the garden.

KiliTheArcher: now.

* * *

_9:02 p.m._

........

_Getting Thorin laid_

_......._

GoldenKing: I never took Thorin to be teh romantic type.

Dis: What?

Balin: What do you mean?

Dis: what do u know that i don’t?

GoldenKing: I just spotted Thorin

GoldenKing: With taht chubby friend of Fili’s.

Dis: Bilbo Baggins?

GoldenKing: ig

GoldenKing: they were in teh shed

GoldenKing: quoting Wordsworth.

Dis: WHAT

Balin: I knew he had it in him.

Dis: WHAT!

Dwalin: whassup.

Balin: Thorin is finally talking to someone who is not family.

Dis: which you would know if you weren’t fucking Nori.

Dwalin: Have you fucked Nori? No? Then shut up.

GoldenKing: Losers

GoldenKing: they r now discusiing Jane Austen.

Dis: how do you know that?

Goldenking: I have my ways.

Dis: you were getting high in teh shed weren’t you?

GoldenKing: It’s my spot and everybody knows it.

GoldenKing: Not my fault Thorin still brought his infatuation here.

Dis: LMAO

Dwalin: he is going to kill you when he finds out.

GoldenKing: if he finds out.

Dwalin: no, when.

GoldenKing: You wouldn’t dare.

Dis: if you tell him taht i will tell him you were fucking on his bed.

Dwalin: What

GoldenKing: Holy shit DWAL!

Dis: keep your mouth shut Fundinson.

Dwalin: I will deal with you later

Dis: sure, baby boy.

GoldenKing: You are a goddess Dis.

Dis: yes, you should all be kneeling in front of me.

Balin: Not that this isn’t interesting, in case you haven’t noticed we are at a party with Dis being the hostess.

Balin: Get your asses off the phone.

Balin: Dwalin come down with Nori this instance.

Dis: yes balin.

GoldenKing: yes Balin

Dwalin: Coming.

Balin: kids.

* * *

_11:25 p.m._

_......._

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: So, Thorin. How are you?

Thorin: we were together half an hour ago.

Thorin: leave me alone.

Dis: You love me.

Thorin: Unfortunately.

Dis: Tell me everything.

Thorin: there is nothing to tell.

Dis: Are you sure?

Thorin: yes.

Dis: hmm

* * *

_The Durins_

_........_

KiliTheArcher: Sooooooo......Thorin.

Thorin: Why is everybody so interested in me today?

GoldenKing: cause we love you.

Vili: yes we do.

Thorin: I am concerned.

Dis: Anything to tell us Thorin?

Thorin: no.

GoldenPrince: Not even a teeny bit?

Thorin: no.

* * *

_The Durin Family Board_

_......._

Balin: Thorin, my boy, how are you doing.

Thorin: okay I am out.

Thorin: no one contact me.

_Thorin left the chat_

Balin: What did I do?

Dis: Nothing. We were just irritating him on family group. Ig he must’ve caught on.

Balin: pity.

* * *

_11:49 p.m._

_......_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: is thsi throin drin?

Thorin: Yes?

Bbgins: hiloooooo

Bbgins: Its Biblo.

Thorin: Hello Bilbo.

Thorin: Are you drunk?

Bbgins: out of y mnd.

Thorin: I see.

Bbgins: Bfur got us into teh bar as prmised.

Bbgins: he sd i cnt hold my liqr. I can

Thorin: clearly.

Bbgins: I didn mean to cale yoi pleadirw

Bbgins: npy that y rnt pretty

Bbgins: bt i ws gopong to sy you wlcm or it a plesdue

Thorin: thank you for clarifying that.

Bbgins: is a pleadure

Thorin: But you had already told me that. We had a conversation remeber?

Bbgins: hello, this is Ori.

Bbgins: I am sorry sir, he is very drunk.

Thorin: it’s no problem. Is he home safely?

Bbgins: yes.

Thorin: glad to hear that. Are you safe Master Rison?

Bbgins: yes. I will be staying with Bilbo tonight.

Thorin: ok.

Bbgins: Bilbo says good night.

Thorin: good night.

Thorin: to both of you.

* * *

_Sunday_

_8:39 a.m._

_......._

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Thorin I am sorry about last night.

Thorin: It’s all right.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: he is pissed

Orison: did you call him?

Bbgins: No. But he sounded pissed.

Orison: oh bub.

* * *

_10:30 a.m._

_........_

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Bilbo Baggins what did you do with my Uncle?

Bbgins: Excuse me?

GoldenPrince: met fr brkfst.

GoldenPrince: he s smiling!

Bbgins: what is that even supposed to mean

GoldenPrince: He never smiles.

HatStall: Heh, what did i miss last night?

Orison: Bilbo getting kidnapped by Fili’s Uncle.

GoldenPrince: an dthen bilbo putting a spll on him.

Bbgins: you are all absurd.

* * *

_2:30 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Are you free Thursday?

Bbgins: yes?

Thorin: is that a question?

Bbgins: I have a class till 3, but then i am free

Thorin: ok

Bbgins: why

Thorin: would you like to have lunch

Bbgins: with you?

Thorin: yes.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Dwalin I think i fucked up.

Dwalin: i m not surprised.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: ORI THORIN IS ASKING ME OUT WHAT DO I DO

Orison: OMG SAY YES YOU IDIOT!

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Sure.

Bbgins: it would be delightful.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: i just said it would be delightful.

Bbgins: What is wrong with me?

Orison: oh Bub.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: great

Thorin: i will pick you up then.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: i did not fuck up,

Dwalin: i am surprised.

Thorin: why do i ever tell you anything.

Dwalin: is he sane?

Throin: m out.

* * *

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Great!

Bbgins: See you on thursday then.

Thorin: see you on Thursday.

* * *

_2:45 p.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

_........_

Dwalin: Thorin is going out on a date.

Dis: WHAT!

GoldenKing: STOP FUCKING WITH ME!

Balin: You are jesting.

Dwalin: believe what you wanna.

Dwalin: he actually secured a date.

Dis: this is gonna be interesting.

  
  



	3. Party and Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Nori!

_Thursday_

_1:26 p.m._

_........_

_GoldenPrince created the group “Party night!!!”_

_GoldenPrince added GoldenKing, HatStall, Nori_

_........_

GoldenPrince: YOLO!

GoldenPrince: Uncle Frerin, meet my good friend Bofur and you know Nori.

GoldenKing: Dwalin’s boytoy?

Nori: Oye!

Nori: He calls me boyfriend

HatStall: As if you care about that

Nori: I do!

GoldenKing: Sure

GoldenKing: Anyways, nice to meet ya Bofur.

HatStall: Liekwise

GoldenKing: We have gathered here today to oraginze a night to remember.

HatStall: I will get the leaves.

Nori: I will bring the alcohol

GoldenPrince: I will get teh venue.

GoldenKing: And I will plan this adventure.

GoldenKing: See ya all tonight.

* * *

_11:28 p.m.  
_

_........._

_Private messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Ori

Orison: Back from the date?

Bbgins: He is arrogant.

Orison: Oooooo

Bbgins: and very rude.

Orison: I see

Bbgins: He is very rich

Orison: uh-huh

Bbgins: and he has read extensively. Private education from what I understand.

Orison: You are bestoed, aren’t you?

Bbgins: he plays teh harp.

Orison: O . O

Bbgins: and he is just

Orison: Just what

Bbgins: i shouldn’t be as attarcted to him as I am.

Orison: OoooooOOOOOOooooo

Bbgins: I am fucked aren’t I?

Orison: you are just in love Bub.

Bbgins: I don’t know

Orison: Want to come over?

Bbgins: is Dori at home ?

Orison: He has made his lovely chicked curry

Bbgins: I will be there in an hour.

* * *

_11:44 p.m.  
_

_........._

_Private messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Hello Dis

Dis: What do you want

Thorin: I need to talk to you.

Dis: uh huh

Thorin: I went on a date today

Dis: Whaaaaaaaat

Dis: How come this is the first time I am hearing about this?

Dis: Thorin!!??

Thorin: Dwalin told you didn’t he?

Dis: Whaaaat

Dis: nooooo

Thorin: Dis

Dis: okay fine he did

Dis: but can you blame him?

Thorin: yes

Dis: Don’t

Dis: tell me about him

Thorin: He is naive

Dis: Ookay?

Thorin: and very fussy and bossy

Thorin: He has a really specific taste and wants his food in ways I did not even know possible

Thorin: and how many types of tea can there possibly be?

Thorin: Also, who works half-time after getting a degree and having chances of a real job?

Thorin: i do not understand this man.

Thorin: He infuriates me.

Dis: this is the most you have ever speaken of someone

Dis: I am not sure whether you liked him or not.

Thorin: Nor am I, Dis, nor am I.

* * *

_Party Night!!!_

_........_

GoldenKing: Everyone ready?

GoldenRPince: Hell yeah!

HatStall: yeah bet my arse

Nori: Dun dun dun dun

GoldenKing: tonight is going to be a night to remember.

* * *

_Friday_

_6:32 a.m.  
_

_........_

_The Durins_

_........_

Vili: Can domeone please explain why there is a cow in our garden?

Vili: Dis is freaking out because her flower are being eaten

Vili: and when she freaks out I freak out.

KiliTheArcher: We got a cow?

Vili: no

Vili: and no Kili, we are not getting a cow

KiliTheArcher: But daaad

Dis: @GoldenPrince, @GoldenKing!

Dis: I know this is your doing

Thorin: Why is there a cat outside my apartment?

* * *

_7:13 a.m._

_........_

_no hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

Bbgins: Um, there are two golden puppies outside my house and my neighbours are shouting.

Bbgins: What the fuck

Orison: Awwww

Orison: that’s so cute

Bbgins: it’s not?

Bbgins: I don’t know what to do with dogs?

Bggins: Ori?

Orison: Snake. Loose. In my house.

Bbgins: What???

* * *

_Party Night!!!_

_........_

GoldenPrince: people

GoldenPrince: What did we do last night?

* * *

_no hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

Orison: I can’t.

Orison: THERE ARE TWO SNAKES!

* * *

_7:30 a.m._

_........_

_The Durin Family board_

_........_

Dwalin: there is a goat in my bathroom with a hamster

Thorin: What?

Balin: Dori just called me about a snake loose in his house

Thorin: Dis has a cow on her premise

Thorin: and I now have a cat

Thorin: What is happening?

* * *

_Party Night!!!_

_........_

GoldenKing: I don’t know

HatStall: but whatever it is

Nori: We are in trouble.

* * *

_NEWS FLASH! ANIMALS MISSING FROM ANIMAL SHELTER! NO FACE CAUGHT ON CAMERA_

_...are still unsure about how the robbery and kidnapping was conducted. Our reports say that two dogs, three cats, a cow, two snakes, a hamster, a goat, a spider and two lizards were missing..._

* * *

_PartyNight!!!_

_........_

Nori: y’all read the article?

GoldenKing: there is an article?

Nori: we currently have two cats, a spider, and two lizards unaccounted for.

HatStall: found teh spider

Nori: oh thank god

HatStall: along with teh lizards

GoldenPrince: Great

HatStall: no

HatStall: You do not understand

HatStall: There’s a pentagon on my floor and sacrificed spider and lizards beside that

HatStall: Anybody else have a tattoo on their hip?

HatStall: Of a dick

GoldenPrince: Fuck

GoldenKing: shit

Nori: What the fuck did we do last night


	4. Poor Love hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo's panicking, FIli's panicking, Dori can't type and its chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh I love you all! Your comments are awesome and I read every single one guys thank you! I hope you enjoy more of this madness!
> 
> Also, if you guys have any suggestions, please do let me know! caus ethis just random, honest!

_Saturday_

_09:27 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: It’s been a few days

Orison: Since we have sacrificed an animal

Bbgins: Ori.

Orison: Bilbo.

Bbgins: Ugh why do I even try

* * *

_9:31 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Bofur

HatStall: Ullo!

Bbgins: how long do you wait before messaging you date

HatStall: three days

Bbgins: Is it three days from thursday night?

HatStall: no

Bbgins: He hates me.

HatStall: M sure thsi hypothetical ‘he’ does not hate you

Bbgins: Go die

HatStall: For you? Always.

* * *

_9:33 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Fili

GoldenPrince: I didnt put the stnk ball

Bbgins: What?

GoldenPrince: Thats not y u mssgd?

Bbgins: No

Bbgins: But what Stink Ball?

Bbgins: Fili what did you do?

GoldenPrince: dsn’t matter

GoldenPrince: Sup

Bbgins: how’s your family?

GoldenPrince: since when do u care

Bbgins: I am not that bad

GoldenPrince: you hv met em once

GoldenPrince: is this abt Uncle not txting u back?

Bbgins: Whaaaaaaaat

GoldenPrince: lmao.

GoldenPrince: lemme ask him

Bbgins: Fili NO!

* * *

_9:35 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: I am a dead man

Orison: So do you want lilies at your funeral?

Bbgins: yes

* * *

_9:35 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: So how r u Uncle dear?

Thorin: what do you want?

GoldenPrince: yr credit card details.

Thorin: Ask Dis or Vili

Thorin: Or Frerin

GoldenPrince: they don’t work at certain places yaknow

Thorin: Fili

Thorin: What did you do

GoldenPrince: u do know that Kili gets up in more sheannannigans riite?

Thorin: First of all, spelling

GoldenPrince: m txting!

Thorin: Second, i have heard no complaint from Kili’s school

GoldenPrince: yea

GoldenPrince: cause he is frns with his principal’s son

GoldenPrince: And for some reason Mr Greenleaf hates ya

Thorin: Good

GoldenPrince: O.O

GoldenPrince: anyways

GoldenPrince: Did you liek Biblo?

Thorin: M out.

* * *

_9:55 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Sry bilbo, I tried

Bbgins: Oh my god

* * *

_9:56 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: I hate my family

Dwalin: nah you don’t

Dwalin: nd stop texting me in teh middle of teh meeting.

* * *

_9:56 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Nori: U sure u don’t mind?

Dwalin: Nori

Dwalin: I have seen you do worse

Dwalin: A dick tattoo isn’t gonna turn me off

Nori: Great

Nori: And I have a feeling that its yours

Dwalin: I am in a meeting right now

Nori: I will be wiating

* * *

_10:01 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: You have been texting all the while

Thorin: We are going to reject this proposal anyway

Dwalin: Balin’s glaring

* * *

_1:30 p.m._

_........_

_The Durin Family Board_

_........_

_Balin added Thorin_

Balin: I do not care if the presentation is boring

Balin: You are the CEO of this company

Balin: i expect you to pay attention

Dis: Lmao

Thorin: Dwalin was texting too

Dwalin: I am not the CEO of the company

Dis: kids

Balin: My brother has no manners and I have come to accept that

Dwalin: Shut up

Balin: But you Thorin?

Thorin: I am teh CEO. I can do anything

* * *

_1:41 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Balin: Save me

Dori: Aw

Dori: what

Dori: is

Dori: wrong

Balin: I see you still haven’t figured out how to space

Dori: itsnotmyfaultnoridoesntteachandidontwanttoworryori

Balin: I will see you tonight for dinner dear

Dori: ok

* * *

_2:29 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: vili i need advice

Vili: I can’t help you hide a body

Thorin: What?

Vili: What?

Thorin: it’s about someone I like

Vili: And you are messaging me why?

Thorin: because Frerin has teh worst ideas and Dis is annoying

Vili: She is my wife

Vili: and we share text messages

Thorin: Do you two have no privacy?

Vili: no

Thorin: I am willing to take a risk

Vili: Wow

Vili: you are really desperate

Thorin: thanks

Vili: Anytime

Vili: call. I do better with verbal conversations.

* * *

_2:44 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Party Night!!!_

_........_

HatStall: So I got rid of the bodies

HatStall: we still have two cats unaccounted for

GoldenPrince: Free cats

Nori: Dwalin is fine with the tattoo

GoldenKing: literally no one asked.

Nori: Ya still getta learn

Nori: Dwalin’s gonna ravish me

Nori: he and his mouth

GoldenKing: Someone pass me the bleach

GoldenKing: i nee dto clean my eyes

* * *

_3:23 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dori: Ori

Orison: Dooooooori

Dori:stopsinging

Orison: :(

Dori:howdoyouspace

Orison: You are a meanie

Orison: I won’t tell ya

Dori:iwontmakecasserolethen

Orison: Sure Dori, sure

* * *

_3:35 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: her Ori

Orison: her Fili

GoldenPrince: sup

Orison: Ah just dying under teh load of assignments

Orison: you?

GoldenPrince: Lol same

* * *

_3:37 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrimce: hOw Do yOu tALk?

HatStall: Still can’t converse with Ori?

GoldenPrince: He is so cute

HatStall: Just ask about his day

* * *

_3:37 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: how was yr day?

Orison: eh just the usual.

Orison: I am gla dI don’t have to cook

Orison: Dori’s making casserole

Orison: though he plans on having dinner with his boyfriend/bed partner

GoldenPrince: balin

Orison: yes

Oirson: it’s weird how people are connected rite?

GoldenPrince: rite

* * *

_3:37 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dori: nori

Nori: What do you want

Dori: howdoyouspace

Nori: there’s a rectangular button at the bottom

Nori: For God’s sake the phone’s keypad is literally a small keyboard

Dori: lettersare tiny

Nori: But you learnt

Nori: bye

Dori: areyou comingto dinner tomorrow?

Nori: No, I plan on having sex with my boyfriend

Dori: nori

Nori: m so glad you can’t capitalize.

* * *

_3:41 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

goldenPrince: OMG he is so cute

HatStall: told ya

* * *

_3:41 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Orison: Fili hates me

Bbgins: Whaaa

Orison: i talk too much

Bbgins: I know that

Orison: :(

* * *

_5:30 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: hello Bilbo

Bbgins: hello thorin

Bbgins: How was your day?

Thorin: Far too much excitement

Bbgins: oh dear

Thorin: Are you free tonight?

Bbgins: I have some papers to grade

Thorin: I see

Bbgins: though i am sure I can postpone those

thorin: Wouldn’t that affect your job?

Bbgins: I mean

Bbgins: Yeah

Bbgins: but it’s all right

Thorin: All right

thorin: Would you like to see a movie?

Bbgins: yes

Thorin: great

* * *

_5:45 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: He doesn’t hate me

HatStall: gr8 to hear that!

* * *

_5:45 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: it worked

Thorin: thank you

Vili: you are very welcome

Vili: Dis says she wants details later

Thorin: ugh

* * *

_5:45 p.m.  
_

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dori: ori

Orison: yes Dori?

Dori: how doyou capitalize


	5. A series of wrong chats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, but I wanted to

_Sunday_

_11:36 a.m._

_........_

_no hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

GoldenPrince: I want a baby

Orison: me too

GoldenPrince: Too bad we both can’t reproduce

Orison: We can always adopt

Orison: Or steal a baby

GoldenPrince: Nah no stealing

GoldenPrince: let’s adopt only

* * *

_11:37 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Are they...

HatStall: yes they are

Bbgins: it’s a mriacle

HatStall: truly

* * *

_No hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

Orison: Let’s do it tmrw

GoldenPrince: cant

GoldenPrince: SOMEBODY gve a ten page write up

Orison: Oh yes

Orison: SOMEBODY

GoldenPrince: SOMEBODY!

Bbgins: I am litreally the Assistant.

Bbgins: you think I know what Radagast is saying half of the time?

Orison: Still

Orison: ten pages

Orison: Now I will never have a child

GoldenPrince: We can alway stry baby

Orison: your place or mine

GoldenPrince: whcever has a sftr bed ;)

* * *

_11:42 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Orison: OMG DID YOU SEE

GoldenPrince: what

Orison: fuck

* * *

_11:42 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Orison: Bilbo kill me

Bbgins: Do you prefer knife or poison

Orison: Anything that is not embarrasment

* * *

_11:51 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: everything ok?

Orison: Spectacular

Orison: i was messaging Bilbo

Orison: About a show

Orison: we both watch

GoldenPrince: Oh

GoldenPrince: now m excited

* * *

_11:51 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Orison: Fuck which show do we both watch?

Bbgins: none?

Orison: Fuck

* * *

_11:51 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Tell meeeeee

Orison: no

Goldenprince :(

Orison: stop

GoldenPrince :( :( :(

Orison: Fili

GoldenPrince: At least tell me wht got u excited

Orison: Well....

Orison: So there’s this couple

Orison: Not really ig but like they bee hinting romance

Orison: and they were skirting around ecah other

Orison: But they got talking

GoldenPrince: Awwwwie

GoldenPrince: tell me it’s gay

GoldenPrince: say it

GoldenPrince: Say its gay

Orison: yes?

GoldenPrince: Yes!

GoldenPrince: You have to tell me what this is now

Orison: lmao no

GoldenPrince: :(

* * *

_Monday_

_0:05 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Are you okay?

Orison: Idk

Bbgins: okay?

Bbgins: you can just

Bbgins: i dunno

Bbgins: Ask him out

Orison: lol bye

* * *

_3:53 a.m._

_........_

_no hlp we die like clg stuens_

........

Orison: So

Orison: Do you thinks insects have families

HatStall: what

Orison: insects

Orison: you know liek ants and flies

HatStall: Ori

HatStall: it’s fucking 3 a.m.

GoldenPrince: technically it’s 3:54

GoldenPrince: but yeah

Orison: yeah i know

Orison: I just killed a mosquito

Orison: and now I am sad

Orison: what if kids are wiating at home for her to bring food

Orison: What if they have no aunt, and all have perished in fights

Orison: and now they have no obe

GoldenPrince: :(

hatStall: thats not how it works

Orison: Do you study mosquito behaviorial patterns?

HatStall: no?

Orison: Then shush.

* * *

_6:08 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Reached home

Thorin: You could have stayed over.

Bbgins: Class

Thorin: I miss you

Bbgins: Sap

Thorin: meanie

Bbgins: The wine hasn’t left your system yet I see

Thorin: I think I am drunk over something else entirely

Bbgins: What

Thorin: Your ass

Bbgins: OMG THORIN STOP

Thorin :)

Bbgins: You know anybody who meets you

Bbgins: would never be able to say that you are this sappy

Thorin: If anyone get access to these chats I am dead

Thorin: So you shoudl appreciate how much I am willing to do for you

Bbgins: is that so?

* * *

_9:28 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Image0078.jpg

_Bbgins deleted the image_

Bbgins: Sorry!

HatStall: Was that...

Bbgins: You didn’t open it did you?

HatStall: As a matter of fact

HatStall: You kinky little bastard

* * *

_9:30 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: I hope you are happy

Thorin: What did i do?

* * *

_9:31 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: Bofur, please

Bbgins: It was an accident

HatStall: yeah I am sure

HatStall: Bilbo baggins would neevr send me a dick pic

Bbgins: please tell me you have deleted it

HatStall: nope.

HatStall: It’s my blackmail material.

Bbgins: I see.

* * *

_9:45 a.m._

_._ _......._

_Private Messaging_

_........_

HatStall: in case I die

HatStall: tell Bombur I love him

HatStall: and you get my vinyl collection

GoldenPrince: okay?

* * *

_10:20 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Ori

GoldenPrince: Where r u

GoldenPrince: u r missing some good shit

Orison: in class

Orison: sup

GoldenPrince: Bilbo snet bofur a dick pic

Orison: HE WHAT

GoldenPrince: by accident

GoldenPrince: rn he is chasing Bofur arund campus

GoldenPrince: they have crossed me thrice

Orison: location

Orison: now

GoldenPrince: I tht u were in class

Orison: fuck class

  
  



	6. Dis' Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG guys I NEED PROMPTS!! I AM OUT OF IDEAS ALREADY BUT ALSO NOT?? PLEEEEEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WANNA SEE SO THAT I CAN KEEP THIS STORY AFLOAT.  
> Some angst here. JKust a teeny bit

_Monday_

_12: 23 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Bitch

Dis: what

Thorin: you bitch

Dis: i own your ass

Thorin: you own nothing

Dis: If I stopped working in yoru company you will fail

Thorin: Your are shit

Dis: Shut up you ass

* * *

_12:45 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Frerin

GoldenKing: Whatever it is Nori started it

Thorin: No he didn't

Thorin: Anyways not imp

GoldenKing: ookay?

Thorin: It’s Dis’s birthday next week

GoldenKing: No it’s not?

Thorin: Yes it is

GoldenKing: No?

Thorin: Are you telling my electronic calendar is lying to me?

GoldenKing: Fuck

GoldenKing: It’s Dis’ birthday

Thorin: Yes

GoldenKing: Shit I haven’t done a thing

Thorin: I realized

GoldenKing: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Thorin: Eloquent as ever.

GoldenKing: What can we give her

Thorin: No idea

GoldenKing: Ask your boyfriend.

Thorin: He is not my boyfriend

GoldenKing: He isn’t?

Thorin: We are taking it slow.

GoldenKing: lmao

Thorin: Fuck you.

* * *

_2:30 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Bilbo.

Bbgins: What did I do?

Throin: Why would you do anything

Bbgins: you said my full name and put a full stop at the end

Bbgins: Thta’s angry txting

Thorin: It is?

Bbgins: Sometimes I wonder if Fili and you belong to the same family.

Thorin: you will find I am the only sane one in this family

Bbgins: SO the black sheep

Thorin: No.

Bbgins: ok Boomer

Thorin: We are the same age

Bbgins: ok boomer

Thorin: Nevermind

Bbgins: Why did you message

Thorin: Dis’ birthday is coming up

Bbgins: Oh great!

Thorin: I don’t know what to gift her

Bbgins: you are asking for my advice?

Thorin: Yes

Bbgins: Hmm

Bbgins: Jewelry?

Thorin: Done twice in the last ten years

Thorin: She hates diamonds

Bbgins: Something expensive?

Thorin: Obviously

Bbgins: Car?

Thorin: She just bought a new one

Bbgins: Motorbike?

Thorin: No

Bbgins: igh oky

Bbgins: Books?

Thorin: That woman already owns the limited edition of all classics

Bbgins: Paintings?

Thorin: She will tear it up

Bbgins: chocolates?

Thorin: Maybe

Thorin: But they can’t be the main gift

Bbgins: lemme think

Thorin: You are a lifesaver

Bbgins: UwU

Thorin: What?

Bbgins: Nvm

Bbgins: We still on for dinner tomorrow night?

Thorin: Definitely

* * *

_2:38 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Can u gift kamasutra to ur mom

Orison: I will have to get a ghost book then

GoldenPrince: Y

Orison: my parents r ded?

GoldenPrince: Oh sorry my bad

Orison: That’s okay

Orison: Why r u gifting ur mom kamasutra

GoldenPrince: cause she is kinky

Orison: TMI

GoldenPrince: She is my mom

GoldenPrince: Just imagine what I must be going thru

Orison: Sure.

* * *

 _3:17 p.m_.

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dwalin: Dis what do you want

Dis: Sex on the beach

Dwalin: Drink or...

Dis: M tryna convince Vili

Dwalin: Where?

Dis: Hawaii

Dwalin: A private beach?

Dis: Nah

Dwalin: Resort?

Dis: Sounds good

Dwalin: Done

Dis: Gr8

* * *

_3:20 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dwalin: I asked Dis what she wanted and I got her that

Dwalin: It’s really not that hard

Thorin: Fuck you

* * *

_3:45 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: Dwalin’s booking us a resort

Vili: For?

Dis: fuck if i know

Vili: Ookay

Dis: We ar egoing to have sex on teh beach

Vili: Okay

Dis: I can’t wiat to ravish you

Vili: Remembr what we talked about sexting?

Dis: Yeah

Vili: good

Dis: I am going to tie you up

Vili: Diiiiiiiiiis

Dis: Who asked you to go away to Japan?

Vili: my work?

Dis: If you get home by tonight

Dis: You know what

Vili: you are evil

Dis: :)

Vili: OMW

Dis: :)

* * *

_8:34 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenKing: Cant we just

GoldenKing: give her liek a cheque or sth

Thorin: Frerin she can hack into the our main bank account and make us poor any second

Thorin: Money is really not a gift

GoldenKing: Ugh I dunno what to get her!

Thorin: You think I do?

* * *

_8: 40 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Frerin: Hey babey sis

Dis: Ew

Frerin: What

Dis: I ain’t a babey

Frerin: You are a baby for me O.O

Dis: Frer stop creeping me out

Frerin: Ugh

Dis: Whassup

Frerin: I am in a conundrum

Dis: Dafuq bitch

Frerin: Sometimes I wonder if anyone in thsi family is educated

Dis: Fuck you

Frerin: No incest sis

Dis: Ew

Frerin: :)

Dis: You are creepy

Frerin: No I am not

Dis: yes you are

Frerin: No i am not

Dis: Yes you are

Frerin: I ain’t doin this

Dis: Booooooriing

Dis: You ar eturning into Thor

Frerin: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Dis: no

Frerin: YOU BITCH I AM NOT TURNING INTO THORIN

* * *

_9:01 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: Frerin got offended cause I said he is turning into you

Thorin: I am offended now

Dis: because he is offended?

Thorin: No because he is trying to imitate me

Thorin: I have class

* * *

_Tuesday_

_11:16 a.m._

_........_

_Dis created the group ‘Durin siblings’_

_........_

_Dis added Frerin and Thorin_

........

Dis: Boys

GoldenKing: HWY

Thorin: Seriously?

Dis: sometimes I miss my brothers and I want to talk them at the same place okay?

GoldenKing: ookay?

Dis: You are all busy anyways

Dis: and I know that it’s shit

Dis: But like stop hating on each other owuld you?

Thorin: Dis are you okay?

Dis: I am fine bitch

* * *

_11:18 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenKing: That was weird

Thorin: No shit Sherlock

* * *

_11:18 a.m._

_........_

_Durin Siblings_

_........_

GoldenKing: If you say so bish

GoldenKing: what’s teh plan btw?

Dis: For?

GoldenKing: Yaknow

GoldenKing: The big day

* * *

_11:19 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Smooth you idiot

GoldenKing: blow me

* * *

_11:20 a.m._

_........_

_Durin Siblings_

_........_

Dis: huh?

GoldenKing: Your birthday sis!

Dis: Oh

Dis: I am kidnapping Fili and we are going to have sex on the beach

Dis: VILI FUCK OH MY GOD

Thorin: Too much information

GoldenKing: DO I need to tell me nephew something?

Dis: No that was a mistake

Dis: Stupid autocorrect

Thorin: I see

Thorin: Anything you want?

Dis: Whatever Idc

Thorin: Still

GoldenKing: Yeah we wanna do something

Dis: We??????

Thorin: I will have to handle this idiot but then so be it

GoldenKing: I hate you

Thorin: Sure

Dis: you know what I do want?

Dis: Some fucking peace

Dis: you two are worse than my sons

Dis: and that’s saying soemthing

Dis: thsi compnay is literally running cause I and Balina re the only competent members

Dis: and yoru love lives are fucking laughable

Dis: still my husband keeps running awya on work cause WHY NOT

Dis: I want peace

Dis: and stability

Dis: and mum’s cake

Dis: and a fucking good day’s sleep

Dis: so unless you can give me that

Dis: FUK OFF!

_Dis left the group_

_Thorin is the admin now_

GoldenKing: What was that?

Thorin: A lot of frustration

Thorin: i think I know what to get her

GoldenKing: What?

Thorin: calling you

* * *

_1:21 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: I don’t know what to get yoru sister sorry

Thorin: Not an issue

Bbgins: Did you figure out something?

Thorin: Yes

Thorin: I know we were to have dinner on Thursday

Thorin: But would you be interested ina different kind of outing perhaps

Bbgins: Oh?

Thorin: it’s for my sister

Bbgins: Oh

Thorin: It will be fun I promise

Bbgins: With you anything is fun

Thorin: Flatterer

Bbgins: Just saying the truth.

* * *

_2:56 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Vili I need your help

Vili: Yeah why did you all piss off Dis?

Thorin: She doesn’t speak

Thorin: You knwo that

Vili: yeaj

Thorin: But I have an idea

Vili: Okay?

Thorin: calling

* * *

_7:34 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: Have you gotten Dis’ gift yet?

Dwalin: No

Thorin: Great

Thorin: I need your help.

* * *

_Wednesday_

_10:12 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dwalin: Be ready at six tomorrow morning

Dis: Is it an early flight?

Dwalin: You’ll see

Dis: Ughh fine

* * *

_Thursday_

_6:25 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: Dwalin

Dis: This car is not taking me to thr airport

Dis: What the fuck?

* * *

_6:32 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dis: Balin

Balin: yes dear?

Balin: happy birthday!

Dis: thank you you lovely coot

Dis: But do you knwo what Dwalin has planned?

Dis: he isn’t replying

Balin: I do know but I am not telling you.

Dis: meanie

Dis: Vili knows but he is also keeping quiet which is weird

* * *

_7: 21 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

KiliTheArcher: happy Birthday Mom!!!!

Dis: <3 <3

Dis: Thank you my lovely boy!

KiliTheArcher: En route?

Dis: yes?

Dis: How di dyou know?

KiliTheArcher: :)

* * *

_8:09 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenPrince: Happy Birthday Ma!

Dis: Thank you babie

GoldenPrince: can’t wait to see you!

Dis: What...

GoldenPrince: :)

Dis: Also did you parcel me the Kamasutra

GoldenPrince: Ugh.....

Dis: How wlel you knwo me my boy :)

GoldenPrince: gla dyou liked it!

Dis: You dad is scarred though

GoldenPrince: I can’t help it that he still thinks I don’t knwo what sex is

Dis: yes he si peculiar like that

* * *

_8:15 a.m._

_........_

_Thorin added Dis to ‘Durin Siblings’_

_........._

GoldenKing: Happy Birthday Dis

Thorin: Happy birthday our baby sister

GoldenKing: We hope you are ready for your gift

Dis: Okjay what’s goibng on?

Thorin: Just you wait...

* * *

_1:37 p.m._

_........_

_Durin Siblings_

_........_

Dis: THANK YOU SO MUCH ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!

GoldenKing: :) :) ;) ;p

Thorin: Glad you like it

Dis: YOU FUCKING GAVE ME OUR CHILDHOOD HOME

Dis: FOR A MONTH

Dis: I will never cross you again

Thorin: keep that in mind when we have teh next meeting

Dis ;p

GoldenKing: What about me??? :(

Dis: I promise not to eat your chocolates

GoldenKing: You are the best sister

Dis: I know :)

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LMAO, YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! I am sorry I am not replying to individual review here BUT REST ASSURED I AM READING YOUR MESSAGES AND IF YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS SENDDDDD!
> 
> Also, I want your polls. Should I do Frerin/Bofur? Cause I really do wanna, but would you be interested in that?

_Monday_

_10:12 a.m._

_........_

_The Durins_

_........_

KiliTheArcher: So I found this

KiliThearcher: on teh internet

GoldenKing: Porn?

KiliTheArcher: no

KiliTheArcher: Something more interesting

Dis: Should I be concerned

KilitheArcher: What if

KilitheArcher: Humans had food names

KiliTheArcher: and food had human names

GoldenPrince: tElL mE MoRe!

KiliTheArcher: Like, hey Shwarma!

GoldenPrince: Hey Egg Roll

KiliTheArcher: We are having David for dinner

GoldenKing: Who’s David?

KilitheArcher: No, WHAT’S David

Dis: Ooooh, me likey

Vili: What

Dis: i am Doughnut, Vili is banana

Dis: Frerin is...noodles

GoldenKing: Noice

Dis: And Thorin is.....stew

Thorin: How am I related to you?

KiliTheArcher: Shut up Stew

KiliTheArcher: We are having Thorin for dinner

_Dis changed everyone’s names_

EggRoll: Mom this is so cool!

Shwarma: This is just for here right?

Doughnut: Yup!

Banana: the imagery is not lost on me

Doughnut: You love me

Noodles: Ah, my true calling

Stew: Change back my name

Doughnut: no

Stew: Cvhange it now

Doughnut: Nope.

* * *

_10:17 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Thorin: I am being called stew

Bbgins: ...because you are plain and simple and get the work done?

Thorin: Are you serious?

Bbgins: You realize that’s a very awkrwad text to get in the middle of a lecture right?

Thorin: No

Thorin: And why are you texting in the middle of a lecture

Bbgins: bcause

Bbgins: prof Rad doesnt give a shit about nything

Thorin: Brilliant

Thorin: No

Thorin: Wait

Thorin: _screenshot_0087_G_9.jpg_

Thorin: you see?

Bbgins: oooh this is acool idea

Thorin: Why are you siding with them,?

Bbgins: I am not siding with anyone

Thorin: you are betraying me

Bbgins: i merely said its a good idea

Thorin: cant believe my boyfriend is siding with them.

Thorin: Bilbo?

Bbgins: Are we boyfriends?

Thorin: Are we not?

Bbgins: I mean

Bbgins: you never said anything

Thorin: oh

Thorin: i can get down on a knee if you want

Bbgins: oh shut up

Thorin: Or propose to you for courtship at a masquerade ball

Bbgins: you are impossible

Thorin: Or we could go away at a picnic and I can ask you the question in the middle fo a poppy field

Bbgins: What

Thorin: You said you liked poppies

Bbgins: I didnt think you wld remember

Thorin: no i did

Bbgins: Oh

Thorin: yeah

Thorin: So

Thorin: DO i need to do something or are we boyfriends?

Bbgins: Nothing extravagant, but i wouldn’t sya no to lunch

Thorin: meet me after class.

* * *

_10:24 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: ORI!

Orison: u r sitting on teh first bench and txting

Orison: My hero

Bbgins: Wait where ar eyouy

Bbgins: I cant see you

Orison: that’s probably for teh best

Bbgins: You have signed your attendance

Bbgins: okay I knwo for a fact that Fili is absent why is his signature here?

Orison: ishhhhh

Bbgins: Ori

Bbgins: youll get in trble

Orison: bleh

Orison: Tell me what made you text me in teh middle fo the class

Bbgins: thorin and I are boyfriends

* * *

_10:35 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: You deserved it

Orison: Oh shut up

Orison: can I be happy for my best friend

Bbgins: You shouted ‘about time motherfucker’ as Prof was telling us how Oedipus eventually found out teh truth

Orison: U have to admit it was brilliant

Bbgins: It was

Bbgins: Did you know what we were talking about?

Orison: no lol

Bbgins: Amazing

Bbgins: It’s a divine intervention

Orison: haha

Orison: and on te note of divine intervention

Orison: Your _boyfriend’s_ car just got into the campus premise

Bbgins: jhefgugefbjkjrgdjgdwm

Orison: you will be fine bub, you will be fine.

* * *

_11:09 a.m._

_........_

_no hlp we die like clg stuens_

_........_

Bbgins: Hello Shwarma

HatStall: Wot

Bbgins: Ask Fili

GoldenPrince: i will kill Uncle Thorin

GoldenPrince: that was Durin exclusive

Bbgins: Well u shuld have thought about that before calling your Uncle stew

Orison: yes Fili

Orison: after all Bilbo is going to avenge his _boyfriend’s_ honour

Orison: Aren’t you bub

GoldenPrince: HWAT

GoldenPrince: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

GoldenPrince: BIBLO DETAILS NOW

Bbgins: Oh shush

Bbgins: this is between me and Thor

GoldenPrince: Thor?

GoldenPrince: THOR??????????????????????????????????????????????

Bbgins: Shush

* * *

_11:13 a.m._

_........_

_The Durins (minus idiots)_

_........_

GoldenPrince: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Dis: what

GoldenPrince: BILBO AND UNCLE THORIN ARE BOYFRIENDS

Dis: WHAT!

Vili: Oh my God

KiliTheArcher: HE GOT PAST THE DATING STAGE????

GoldenPrince: I KNOW!!!

* * *

_11:14 a.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

_........_

Dis: Gentlemen

Dis: Thorin has officially reached teh boyfriends stage

GoldenKing: HOLY SHIT!

Dwalin: Thorin did that????

Balin: Finally. Its about time.

GoldenKing: Holllllyyyyy shiiiiiit

Dwalin: How? What? DIS TELL US MORE!

Dis: I know bare minimum

Dis: Ask Thorin.

* * *

_11:15 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dwalin: Thorin

Thorin: Dwalin I am currently busy

Dwalin: Busy?

Thorin: Having lunch with Bilbo

Thorin: he says hello

Dwalin: :o

Thorin: What?

* * *

_11:17 a.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

_........_

Dwalin: He is having lunch with Bilbo right now

Dwalin: have we done a background check on this guy yet?

Balin: brother

Dwalin: I am concerned

GoldenKing: I am sure he is cool

Dwalin: ‘cool’ does not mean equal to a secure person

Balin: I will pull my strings

* * *

_11:19 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Balin: Dori dear

Dori: hello balin

Balin: Still cannot capitalize?

Dori: no

Balin: no worries

Balin: tell me, what do you know about Bilbo Baggins?

Dori: oh bilbo is a darling

Dori: he is teh only man who knows his tea and his ceramics

Dori: i am so glad my dear ori is his friend

Dori: maybe he will learn some manners after everything nori destroyed

Balin: I see

Dori: why what is the matter

Balin: Bilbo and Thorin are officially dating

Dori: oh that is wonderful news

Dori: i must invite them for dinner

Balin: as you wish dear

Balin: may I come over tonight

Balin: I will show you how to capitalize.

Balin: and use those emojis

Dori: balin dear

Dori: of course you can

Balin: see you at seven love

Dori: see you for dinner

Dori: roast

Balin: You know the way to my heart.

* * *

_11:21 a.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

_........_

Balin: My sources say he is respectable

Dis: is that exactly what Dori said?

Balin: >:|

Dwalin: Brother

Dwalin: With all my love for you

Dwalin: Dori is not the right man for this job

GoldenKing: On it.

* * *

_11:21 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

GoldenKing: nephew dear!

GoldenPrince: uncle dear!

GoldenKing: tell all that there is to know about Bilbo baggins

GoldenPrince: Well

GoldenPrince: he is the Teaching Assistant for English Lit

GoldenPrince: Works part time in a bookshop.

GoldenPrince: teh first time he saw Uncle Throin he said you are pleasure

GoldenKing: LMAO WAT

GoldenPrince: ikr

GoldenPrince: It’s hilarious

GoldenKing: hmmm

* * *

_11:22 a.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

_........_

Dwalin: you are talking to Fili

Dwalin: he is biased

Dis: well who do yopu suggest then?

Dwalin: I know just the man

* * *

_11:23 a.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Dwalin: Nori

Nori: Why do you sound pissed?

Nori: I didn’t do anything!

Dwlain: What

Nori: unless this is some sort of power play

Nori: oooh I am interested

Dwalin: Nori no

Nori: oooooooo

Dwlain: Nori this is serious business

Nori: Spoilsport

Dwalin: I want you to find out everything you can about Bilbo baggins

Nori: ori‘s friend?

Dwalin: yes

Nori: why?

Dwalin: he is dating Thorin

Nori: OOOOOOOOOOOooo

Nori: On it

Dwalin: good boy

Nori: now that’s cheating

Dwalin: My place. 8 p.m.

Nori: will be there your majesty.

* * *

_2:56 p.m._

_........_

_Private Messaging_

_........_

Bbgins: ori

Orison: OMG HOW WAS TEH LUNCH!!!!

Bbgins: That was good

Bbgins: But

Bbgins: Why was Nori breaking into my house?

Orison: Wat

Bbgions: Thorin knocked him out

Bbgins: I hope he isn’t dead

Orison: Wot

Bbgins: I DONT KNOW HE WAS INSIDE MY HOUSE WHEN I CAME HOME!

Bbgins: AND THORIN HIT HIM IN TEH HEAD AND I KICKED HIM IN TEH BALLS

Orison: Omw

* * *

_4:28 p.m._

_........_

_Getting Thorin laid_

........

Balin: DWALIN

Dis: Oh dear

GoldenKing: **grabs popcorn**

Dwalin: what

Balin: DID YOU HIRE A MERCENARY TO BREAK INTO BILBO BAGGINS’ APARTMENT?

Dis: WHAT!

GoldenKing: **grabs the coke**

Dwalin: I asked Nori

Balin: I repeat

Balin: DID YOU HIRE A MERCENARY TO BREAK INTO BILBO’S APARTMENT?

Balin: Because Thorin hit him over his head becaus eyou boyfriend was breaking into HIS BOYFRIEND’S apartment!

Balin: And Dori called me crying because as irritated he is by his brother’s antics HE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO DIE

Balin: AND NOW YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY DINNER AND MY DATE

Balin: DORI IS UPSET TWICEFOLD

Balin: THORIN IS ANGRY

Balin: BILBO IS SCARED

Dwalin: What the hell

Dis: LMAO!

Balin: THIS IS NOT FUNNY

Dis: you are pissed because your date night got cancelled dont be all high and might

GoldenKing: #facts

Dis: But Dwalin deriously

Dwalin: I just aske dhim to gather info

Dis: You could have worded thinsg better

Dis: But then

Dis: you are Dwalin

Dis: What am I even expecting

GoldenKing: Now this is good tea...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REEEviee and give me ideas I am begging you!!! Please!   
> And who else do you want to see here? Characters, scenarios, conversation, dialogues- ALL WELCOME!!

**Author's Note:**

> :) Don't forget to tell me what you think.


End file.
